continuation of the post before

i never know where to or how to start regarding this or... really anything

the divorce isnt sudden it was coming for a while and truly does need to happen

im not perfect and i wont pretend to be but i am willing to change and grow as a person with someone i love

he says hes willing to change and yet its been over a year and it feels like the same argument

his words and his actions do not match and they havent for a while

i cant even remember the last time hes given me flowers... i have flowers tattooed all over me you would think to give me flowers 💐 yk?

he doesnt ask about the animals and he doesnt seem to care about them even though he knows how important they are to me

he did loose his first dog almost 2 years ago to old age and so any new dog is still hard for him to really get along with and i understand that

it feels like he holds so much resentment towards my boys and he says he will forgive and forget but he just doesnt and that goes for anything

he says that he misses me and then when hes home we hardly spend quality time together

he says that he loves me and then looks at me like he hates me

whenever i bring up issues he calls it an argument and it turns out he feels like im just "bitching" at him and "berating" him

i try so hard to communicate all of my feelings the best way i can and i try to tell him about the things i want changed and it just doesnt go through unless anyone but me says it to him which he had even admitted himself

and im just so tired of that mental load yk?

theres things he wants me to change that require him to change first and then there are boundaries and things i want to protect that he does not understand m

he gets upset that there are 2 bars in town that i wont go to him with and i told him i do not want those places to be ruined if we fought there and that he is more than welcomed to go without me but those are the 2 bars i frequent with friends and i dont want it messed up which sounds selfish but its where me and my friends go often enough that i want to protect it

he gets mad whenever people look at me for too long and i told him that is one of the reasons i dont want to go to a bar with him in general because it ruins the whole mood

which dont get me wrong i understand to an extent being upset if someone looks a little too long but he lets it ruin his whole day and i told him i that it would be worse around drunk people and he said "youve never seen me get into a fight" which was not the point of the conversation

if i ask him to tweak something he will stop doing the thing all together

ive expressed to him that i wish we didnt have surface level conversations all the time and that i wanted to have more intimate conversations and he took that as me not wanting to talk to him because i said i dont want just to have the same how was work and how was your day conversations because it felt so shallow and he took it as me saying its "boring" which isnt the case i just wanted more yk? he doesnt follow up on anything i tell him he doesnt ask me questions he doesnt seem interested in the things i do and so i just stopped telling me and stopped putting in so much effort because why would i

how is it fair to me to be doing all these things for him and he wont even meet me half way

like i said im not perfect

i can come off mean and i can come off rude and sometimes i dont word things the best but i told him he needs to tell me so i can adjust and then he just doesnt tell me anything unless i pull it out of him and even then it doesnt get far

and i can go on and on and on because thats how much there is

and after he kicked moose and didnt call and tell me what he immediately done and i found out via camera because he was "going to tell me when i got home" i felt that change in me and i knew i couldnt love him the same

even if we fixed all the small things

it just wouldnt be the same

so its for the best

but i hate change even if it is for the bettee