AITJ for breaking up with my Ex girlfriend for flipping consent
Well, well, well. This community is severely lacking in post. So I guess get to be the first to add my little tale. 😩
About a year ago, I M (27) met my GF F(23). She is about as attractive as you would imagine a typical blonde; Long hair, nice ass and a cute face.
Everything was going great it seemed like. And after a while, we finally ended up in the bedroom and sleeping with one another. Just a small important detail I want to bring up is that she pushed down on my head and basically put my mouth in a position to perform oral on her; Which I did.
Fast forward like two days and we are over at my apartment and she says she want to talk about what happened. The long and the short of it is; She basically said "I don't like it when any man licks me down there. It just feels really gross to me and I don't really want you to do that.". I was a little confused as she was the one who initiated it, but I definitely didn't want to do anything to her she wasn't comfortable with, so I said "Yeah, that's fine. Sorry, I thought you were okay with it.". (I am paraphrasing, of course.)
That same night, we were watching Harry Potter and started kissing and that eventually lead to us heading to my bedroom. Clothes come off, she gets on the bed, I get on the bed too and start kissing her neck and she presses down on the top of my head again. Let me be clear, I locked eyes with her to be sure and she nodded at me. So I performed oral on her again at her initiation, not mine. Everything seemed fine and she gave no indication this wasn't something she didn't want to do.
Fast forward a few more days, she comes over to my place again to chill out; Eventually, she brings up the bedroom situation again and gets a little angry this time. Basically saying, and I am paraphrasing here, "I told you I wasn't cool with that! I don't understand why you can't just respect my boundaries when I am telling you I think its gross when you do that kind of stuff.". So now I am really confused and bring up how she is the one who wanted that and how she pushed my head down, to which she basically just groans and just says "No. I'm telling you no. I don't want you to do that, alright? I'm telling you to just respect my boundaries when I say that.".
Obviously, I am not trying to push her into anything and I kinda felt like an asshole trying to tell her "I thought you wanted me to do that.", so I apologized again and dropped it. But I didn't have sex with her when she started trying to kiss me that same night. And that kind of pissed her off and she left my apartment instead of staying over the night.
Fast forward a bit and I brought the situation up to a friend of mine and told him the full story about how I don't understand what the heck her problem is. He told me he thought it was a kink called "consensual Nonconsent", where a person is sexually attracted to a kind of roleplay of doing something they don't want to do. (The way I understand it, its along the lines of a women fantasizing about things like a burglar or a hillbilly taking advantage of them for the thrill. Like a power fantasy). They way he laid it out sounded like it made sense for what was happening and he said I should try being more aggressive in the bedroom, and watch how she is more reciprocal. I thought it made sense and kind've added up with the situation.
So the next time I went to her place to see her, we didn't talk about what happened before with her getting angry and just relaxed at her place. Eventually things led to things and we started kissing and grabbing on one another. Eventually, we went to her bedroom and started getting into things. I tried being a little more aggressive by holding her wrist, biting her neck a little and just generally being more rough in how I was treating her. Let me be clear, she was very much into it and got WAY more aggressive than I did. She bit my neck hard, scratched my lower back hard and, yes, spread her legs and pushed my head down for oral of which I did; But this time, she was grabbing my hair and actually pressing my face to her crotch. She was saying stuff like "Oh my god, no", while doing this and while she was on top of me during sex. I have no shame in admitting I was into it and that she basically ran the show. I thought this was something we both wanted and that the "Consensual nonconsent" stuff hit the nail on the head.
But the very next day, as we were getting up and I was eating some of her cereal, she comes into the kitchen and looks really sad at me and ask me "Why would you do that to me last night?". Again, I am confused beyond belief because, I swear to god, she was into things the night before way more than I was and I said as such. She starts crying and unloading on me about how I am an "abusive asshole who didn't want to stop when she said stop". At this point, I got frustrated and a little afraid, because it started to feel like this was being framed as if I had SA'd her when that is absolutely NOT what happened. And I don't even want to approach having something like that even implied about me. I wouldn't make any woman do anything she doesn't want to do.
So I just got up to leave her apartment, but she blocks the door and starts apologizing repeatedly and that she doesn't want me to be mad at her. I said I wasn't mad at her and calmed her down just so I could leave because I am a little afraid of how this all sounds at this point. Eventually, she kissed me, we hugged and then I left.
After that, to protect myself, I started texting her for a bit and made sure to ask “Why do you keep asking for head and wanting to fuck, then going crazy afterwords?”, to which she gave a full apology and said she really didn’t mean to make me upset. I felt a lot more safe after getting that in text, then told her we need to take time apart from this relationship.
She did NOT take that well. But for a long while, I just refused to respond for a long while.
I actually eventually found out why exactly she was acting this way, but this post has become really long. And to be frank, I may have blown up and gotten very pissed off with her when I found out. But again this post has gotten really long already.
I have been told by a few friends and family that I was a piece of shit for not communicating more and ending things over text instead of in person. But what do you guys think? AITJ?
Sign up for OddsRabbit
Join communities like /c/amithejerk and never miss posts like this. Every signup donates a meal for a child in need. Learn more
Comments
I'd say NTJ at all. I'm guessing the people disagreeing with how you handled it may see it differently if it was them in your situation and they knew the whole story. The extreme personality flip sounds like too much for most people to deal with and you're better off without her. You just gotta keep looking.
Dude, idk I’d break up with her. While I absolutely think consent can be revoked at anytime, this sounds like a big bowl of issues you don’t want to be a part of. If consensual non consensual is her kink, do you want to be a part of that? I don’t think you guys are compatible at all fundamental level.
NTJ Tell her to let you know when she makes up her mind and then leave it alone.
What a story and a rollercoaster.
Did it end up having to do with guilt/religion? It read like someone with anxiety/guilt the next day - like post-nut clarity for women lol.
Regardless NTJ, but more importantly, NWTC (not worth the crazy) lol.
If it's ok, please mention why exactly she was acting that way since you later found out why. I'm very curious because her behavior is pretty weird. No I don't think you are the jerk. Off the top of my head, I feel she might have a mental disorder like bipolar disorder with the way she was acting. Also I can understand why you might feel very afraid that she was acting like you SA'd her the day after. If people saw that, they might start spreading some nasty stories about you. Or she might go too far and make a false report to the police.
Sure. But its not very clean and I definitely got a lot more angry than I usually do and blew up at her.
So it turned out that, before she dated me, she dated a guy and they were into a lot of hardcore sex stuff. It wasn’t lightweight stuff either; Its sex dungeons, orgies with a bunch of people and video taping stuff together.
The reason she got upset with me about the oral sex is that previously she used to have sex with multiple dudes at once, let the finish inside her and THEN her previous boyfriend used to lick it out of her afterwards.
After learning this, I blew up on her because she never told me she got around like that and I didn’t think it was right that I am fearing for my future over this stuff. Needlessly to say, things got a lot more shouty than usual for me. 😔
Man, way more people are into orgies and sex clubs than I expected lol - I am just a very boring person 😂
Same here, my man. Orgies and stuff really aren’t my scene. I don’t think I’d even know what to do if someone asked me to be in a threeway; nevermind an orgy. 😭
Imagine being told you’re dating someone who was into this stuff for years after thinking she might call the cops on you for SA or something.
You'd be surprised just how many of the ordinary and seemingly boring people you see going about their day to day life are into the kink scene. It's not something that most people express outside of certain circles because of the harsh judgement the 'vanilla folks' have when it comes to these kinds of things.
Okay by the title I expected something like her revoking consent halfway through stuff and you not respecting that.
This is soooo not that.
Definitely NTJ. It was on her to communicate what she wanted and what she didn't, and explain when you said you were confused.
It comes down to communication, which most people just aren't good at in a relationship. I haven't been the best at it in the past, but I'm getting so much better now that I'm in a relationship with two partners who encourage communication and actually *mean it*. It's highly important in all relationships, but ESPECIALLY so if there's any kind of kink or BDSM involved.
What a lot of people don't seem to understand about BDSM is that consent must be *explicit*. For it to be healthy, the parties involved need to discuss ahead of time and lay out expectations and boundaries. With CNC even MORE so. Safe words are not a joke. If "no" means yes, there has to be a word or action that ACTUALLY means no, and both partners have to know what that is.
Me and my partners have a simple "green/yellow/red light" system, and made sure everyone understood what each means. Our newer partner has much more experience in BDSM and even has a clicker you might use for training dogs, attached to one of those spiral wrist bands, so even if someone can't currently use their mouth to communicate, they can use the clicker to pause things.
Even if it's a newer relationship and someone might not feel comfortable telling the other person *why* they don't like or consent to something specific, because maybe it's related to trauma or is embarrassing, the right thing to do is still say "Hey, I'm not comfortable with ____, I don't want to say why, but will you respect that boundary?"
I guess some people feel it breaks spontaneity and passion, and all I can say to that is: "Tough." These conversations CANNOT be skipped if either person is wanting more than straight sex using the cultural norms for nonverbal consent.
Oh, and I'll add that while poor communication in this area can lead to a bad time for both partners, it can lead to much worse consequences for the male in a male/female coupling. If I was a guy in this situation, I might be afraid she was laying the groundwork for accusing me of sexual assault.
I hate to say that, because I absolutely believe that more women are telling the truth than are falsely accusing someone of assault. But false accusations do happen, and they can not only ruin an innocent guy's life, they make it harder for victims to be taken seriously. I do believe that falsely accusing someone of rape should carry similar penalties as *committing* rape -- and both need higher penalties than are currently in place.